Nine out of 10 gangsters agree - cheese is delicious

CHICAGO - A recent survey taken by the Provolone Picayune discovered that of all the groups throughout the United States who enjoy cheese, gangsters ranked number one. Coming in a close second were the Amish, followed by the cyborg clone of Barbara Walters.

"I shall destroy all those who stand in my way," Walters' cyborg clone* said. "Hugh Downs' head was the equivalent of a big piece of Mozzarella, and I thoroughly enjoyed devouring him."
*After further investigation, CIGFTS discovered that the quote was from the actual Barbara Walters.

At a banquet held Oct. 8 in Chicago to give out awards, gangsters were everywhere sampling the hundreds of cheeses provided as a "thanks" for many years of cheese loyalty. We were able to get an interview with one gangster in particular, Al Capone, who has a love for cheese that is unmatched.

CIGFTS: Good evening Mr. Capone and thanks so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak with us.
Al Capone: Fugedaboutit. It's the least I can do for my old friend - cheese.
CIGFTS: Now Mr. Capone, do I mind if I call you Al?
AC: Yes.
CIGFTS: My apologies, Mr. Ca . . .
AC: Did you just look at my Asiago? Did I see you look at it?
CIGFTS: No, sir, I assure you . . .
AC: Look at the big man here, looking over at my cheese! (Gets out a gun) You think you're a big man now, huh?
CIGFTS: No sir! Please, I just wanted to ask you about the cheese. It's just so good for the system, don't you agree?
AC: (Dead stare for 20 seconds) Actually, I do. Many people think my time spent in Alcatraz was a horrible time, but it was, in fact, splendid. While other inmates smuggled in cigarettes or rock hammers, I had top quality cheese sent to me constantly. It made me feel better mentally and physically, and also made my skin softer.
CIGFTS: How were you able to get so much cheese shipped to you under the radar?
AC: What that schmuck Geraldo didn't know before he went snooping into my business is my vault used to be filled with fabulous wheels of cheese. Every kind you could imagine: Mozzarella, Burrini, Gorgonzola, Ricotta, and even some Cheddar, but that's our little secret. Capeesh?
CIGFTS: Yes.
AC: My vault was floor to ceiling with the finest cheeses. I didn't want any of it to go to waste, obviously, so I made sure to consume all of it before I kicked off. Some people think the cheese is what lead to my untimely death, but it only made it so much tastier. I wanted them to cremate me and sprinkle some Parmesean inside for flavor, but then I thought to myself, "Why let that cheese just sit there when it could be eaten by someone."
CIGFTS: That is profound. Can I take a picture of you with your trophy?
AC: No. (Looks around) Hey, where's my trophy? Who stole my trophy? I'll cut you!
CIGFTS: Calm down Mr. Capone, that man over there is holding it for you.
AC: (Looks over) That guy over . . . Bugs Moran! (Pulls out gun) Go get Jack and tell him we got some cheese to grill over here!

Gunfire began shortly after and eyewitnesses say that even though the event turned into a mob scene (pun intended), the gangsters' love for cheese stayed strong.

"I saw the whole thing up-close, personal, right in the line of fire," said uninvited hobo Geraldo Rivera. "While I was in the fetal position crying behind a water fountain, I peeked out into the room and saw everyone with a gun or weapon in one hand and a piece of cheese in the other one."

Rivera, who then began crying for his mother, was quickly apprehended by a handful of gangsters and thrown into a nearby river with cement blocks tied to his ankles.

Officials say that while the death toll would have reached the hundreds had most of the guests not already been deceased, the injury to the cheeses was minimal.

"The only bullet that even grazed a piece of cheese went right through a chunk of Swiss," said Chicago Police Chief Hank Doosherson. "Those boys tried hard not to hurt their favorite food."

The night ended with a bang (pun intended once more) like no other, and it proved what the survey had said in the beginning - gangsters love cheese. The Amish were also contacted for comment, but every single Amish person disappeared after the survey was published. CIGFTS picked up information relavent to this story while taking a leak in the bathroom.

"Yeah, let's see them churn butter without their kneecaps . . . and other miscellaneous body parts," Bugsy Siegel told his associate. "Shalom little Amishmen!"

Cheese has once more brought together some of life's greatest things: murder, the Amish, and hearty appetites. Cheese is more than just a food - it's the key to unity and peace everywhere.