The Cheese-O-Lantern

LITTLE ROCK - While pumpkins might be the tradition among losers and gypsies for Halloween carving, there is a new tradition taking hold in the nation - cheese carving.
While the fad is gaining strength throughout the country, its birthplace was Little Rock, Arkansas, where a shortage of pumpkins led sad children to seek other foods to quench their thirst to jam a knife into something.
"The kids were runnin' a muck when the pumpkin patch ran out of pumpkins and the hobos took it over. I didn't know what to do . . . I thought 'bout shootin' at the little buggers, but there were too many," said local resident and old person Gus Havens.
Children were lighting school buses on fire, slaughtering elderly women by the truckload and also refusing to do their homework when they heard of the shortage in pumpkins. At the sight of the chaos, local dairy farmer Ginny Watkins came up with a solution.
Watkins, whose wheels of cheese are prize winning in the county, suggested the children carve faces into her cheese. The children, armed with pitchforks and torches, agreed.
"It was so much easier, and I could just eat it afterward instead of leaving it on the porch to rot," said Little Rock local Stevie Riler. "I love cheese!"
After eating their carvings, children found it was also good for their systems as well for their Halloween spirits.
"Not only have my patients been healthier, but in fact they are more cheerful and eager to celebrate the devil's holiday," said Dr. Francis Kelley, a local physician. "Hell, even I took some chesse and carved myself a Monterey-Jack-O-Lantern."
There you have it, the hard facts. Cheese can solve any problem, is good for any holiday, and is good for your system and even Lucifer's himself.

Cheese ... Good for the Economy

Happy Valley--Researchers here at Penn State's Jobaholic Jazzmotronstitue have recently discovered a shocking trend in cheese/business relations. Cheese is good for your economic health. According to Workologist Ooter Olonoskoptor, "Jah, der cheese ees vary vary goot for der system." His translator interrupted, "Applicants who included cheese were 5,000/10000000 times more likely to get the job than those without cheese." We here at CIGFTS found one such lucky person. We've agreed to refrain from using their name as thanks for their bribe.
CIGFTS: So how did it all start?
Mystery X: Well, some older kids dared me to. Then I found I liked it. The next thing I know, the Lake Farmparks sent me a letter telling me I wasn't welcome there anymore. Stupid goats.
CIGFTS: No, I meant the cheese/job applications. Eww
MX: Oh ...yes, the cheese. Oh, that. Well, it was all an accident at first. I was making a grilled cheese before dropping off a resume. But I accidentally left a few slices of sharp cheddar in between the pages of my resume. To my amazement I got a call a few hours later.
CIGFTS: And what did they say?
MX: I didn't get the job. But thanks for the great cheese. You could tell they were eating it while they talked, really savoring the cheesy goodness.
CIGFTS: So what did you do?
MX: This is totally anonymous right? Because .... felonies were committed. Houses were robbed. Animals were ... touched inappropriately.
CIGFTS: Maybe you should skip to your next resume
MX: Prude. Well, anyways, it got my foot in the door. So I started mixing it up. Some provolone here, a little mozzarella there, slices, cubes, shredded. All kinds of things. Then I tried melting it. Finally, as I was just about to give up, this mime comes up to me and says, "Have you tried brie?"
CIGFTS: MIMES DON'T TALK!!!!
MX: This one ...
CIGFTS: Never, nada, nope. It's against their religion, their gods would punish them.
MX: Okay, maybe it was a clown. Or it could have been a Frenchman, he was definitely ... avec beret. So he suggests a nice brie spread on the back of each sheet. All of a sudden I'm flooded with phone calls. And while I'm telling everyone what kind of cheese it is, I get a job with McDonald's. Executive Cleanliness Assistant.
CIGFTS: Sounds like upper management *cough*janitor*cough*
MX: Oh yeah, I've even got two offices. I put my sign on the door, and bam ... no one dares to disturb me.
CIGFTS: Probably the fumes. Well Armin, thanks for talking with us. Man, that Armin Tamzarian sure can talk can't he folks?
MX: This was supposed to be anonymous. I told you about the goat deflouring!
CIGFTS: You did what with the where now?
Armin Tamzarian: No, no ... f-l-o-u-r, like the cooking stuff. See, we were making noodles and the goat got into the flour
CIGFTS: But what was the goat doing in the kitchen? No, never mind. Onward, upwards, and always with Cheese

Nine out of 10 gangsters agree - cheese is delicious

CHICAGO - A recent survey taken by the Provolone Picayune discovered that of all the groups throughout the United States who enjoy cheese, gangsters ranked number one. Coming in a close second were the Amish, followed by the cyborg clone of Barbara Walters.

"I shall destroy all those who stand in my way," Walters' cyborg clone* said. "Hugh Downs' head was the equivalent of a big piece of Mozzarella, and I thoroughly enjoyed devouring him."
*After further investigation, CIGFTS discovered that the quote was from the actual Barbara Walters.

At a banquet held Oct. 8 in Chicago to give out awards, gangsters were everywhere sampling the hundreds of cheeses provided as a "thanks" for many years of cheese loyalty. We were able to get an interview with one gangster in particular, Al Capone, who has a love for cheese that is unmatched.

CIGFTS: Good evening Mr. Capone and thanks so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to speak with us.
Al Capone: Fugedaboutit. It's the least I can do for my old friend - cheese.
CIGFTS: Now Mr. Capone, do I mind if I call you Al?
AC: Yes.
CIGFTS: My apologies, Mr. Ca . . .
AC: Did you just look at my Asiago? Did I see you look at it?
CIGFTS: No, sir, I assure you . . .
AC: Look at the big man here, looking over at my cheese! (Gets out a gun) You think you're a big man now, huh?
CIGFTS: No sir! Please, I just wanted to ask you about the cheese. It's just so good for the system, don't you agree?
AC: (Dead stare for 20 seconds) Actually, I do. Many people think my time spent in Alcatraz was a horrible time, but it was, in fact, splendid. While other inmates smuggled in cigarettes or rock hammers, I had top quality cheese sent to me constantly. It made me feel better mentally and physically, and also made my skin softer.
CIGFTS: How were you able to get so much cheese shipped to you under the radar?
AC: What that schmuck Geraldo didn't know before he went snooping into my business is my vault used to be filled with fabulous wheels of cheese. Every kind you could imagine: Mozzarella, Burrini, Gorgonzola, Ricotta, and even some Cheddar, but that's our little secret. Capeesh?
CIGFTS: Yes.
AC: My vault was floor to ceiling with the finest cheeses. I didn't want any of it to go to waste, obviously, so I made sure to consume all of it before I kicked off. Some people think the cheese is what lead to my untimely death, but it only made it so much tastier. I wanted them to cremate me and sprinkle some Parmesean inside for flavor, but then I thought to myself, "Why let that cheese just sit there when it could be eaten by someone."
CIGFTS: That is profound. Can I take a picture of you with your trophy?
AC: No. (Looks around) Hey, where's my trophy? Who stole my trophy? I'll cut you!
CIGFTS: Calm down Mr. Capone, that man over there is holding it for you.
AC: (Looks over) That guy over . . . Bugs Moran! (Pulls out gun) Go get Jack and tell him we got some cheese to grill over here!

Gunfire began shortly after and eyewitnesses say that even though the event turned into a mob scene (pun intended), the gangsters' love for cheese stayed strong.

"I saw the whole thing up-close, personal, right in the line of fire," said uninvited hobo Geraldo Rivera. "While I was in the fetal position crying behind a water fountain, I peeked out into the room and saw everyone with a gun or weapon in one hand and a piece of cheese in the other one."

Rivera, who then began crying for his mother, was quickly apprehended by a handful of gangsters and thrown into a nearby river with cement blocks tied to his ankles.

Officials say that while the death toll would have reached the hundreds had most of the guests not already been deceased, the injury to the cheeses was minimal.

"The only bullet that even grazed a piece of cheese went right through a chunk of Swiss," said Chicago Police Chief Hank Doosherson. "Those boys tried hard not to hurt their favorite food."

The night ended with a bang (pun intended once more) like no other, and it proved what the survey had said in the beginning - gangsters love cheese. The Amish were also contacted for comment, but every single Amish person disappeared after the survey was published. CIGFTS picked up information relavent to this story while taking a leak in the bathroom.

"Yeah, let's see them churn butter without their kneecaps . . . and other miscellaneous body parts," Bugsy Siegel told his associate. "Shalom little Amishmen!"

Cheese has once more brought together some of life's greatest things: murder, the Amish, and hearty appetites. Cheese is more than just a food - it's the key to unity and peace everywhere.

Cheese is Good for the (Fuel?) System

Kenosha--Scientists here at the Kenosha Toyota Plant have made a startling discovery. If you add a cup of shredded cheddar to your gas tank with every refueling, it increases fuel economy by a whopping 300%. According to Shenzi Unayumora, Vice President of Cheese/Fuel Hybrid Research, "We suspected all along that cheese would be good for the vehicle. Hai. What we did not anticipate was the level to which cheese is good for the fuel system. *bows* This brings shame onto my family. I am deeply sorry." As Mr. Unayumora pointed out, no one anticipated that cheese would be this beneficial for the fuel system. Ford has been secretly researching "cheese bags" as safer alternatives to airbags for years, with the added benefit of being edible in case you crash in a remote area. GMC has redesigned the new Sierra to have 13.6975% more cheese than ever before. Cheese has many benefits for the system which have still yet to be discovered. Shenzi Unayumora offered these closing thoughts, "I have agreed to work day and night without pay for the next two years to make up for my failures. We believe that cheese may still hold secrets, perhaps more benefits to the braking system or as a lubricant. With cheese, all things are possible."

Rennet: To Be or Maybe Not?

As some of our more astute readers may be aware, no two cheeses are created equal. Cheeses are indeed, much like humans, as snowflakes, twinkling in the sky. Especially if you toss a wheel of it and let a few rounds of birdshot fly from a 12gauge shotgun. But I digress. A key component in many cheeses is rennet. This is normally made from the stomach lining of a calf, or some similar byproduct. Is this why cheese is good for the system?
The answer, is no. Because as gross as that may be to you, many cheeses are now being made using microbial rennet. This is a small bacteria that used to manufacture the proteins in calf rennet, but without the guilt of killing a calf. After all, it's one thing to use it's mothers milk to make cheese. But do we really have to kill the calf? Talk about throwing the baby out with the bathwater, eh Joel? We here at The American Cheese University of America for Americans: Bumblestump, Wisconsin Campus have discovered some shocking results. The microbial rennet, is .00005 percent better for the system than plain old calf rennet. Why this is eludes us, but it does create some shocking theories. Perhaps the bacteria get inside our body and begin to take over our brains, why this would mean that .... nothing, nothing at all. Bacteria .... good. Conspiracy theory ... bad.

In other news, we send you now to our correspondent in Raccoon City, Gouda Mulrooney with a followup report to the highly publicized findings of Dr. Von Hasenpfeffer. Gouda?
Gouda: Brains .... grahkllghchhkk ..... brains .... BRAINS ... malktchktknk ... brains

Thanks for the info Gouda, interesting stuff. I hope that little boy gets out of the well okay, but it serves him right for protesting cheese. While you're out there Gouda, how about giving us the traffic?

Gouda: BRAINS....backup at clover BRAINS leaf .... take detour ... brains

Gouda Mulrooney folks, he's a true pro. Well, goodnight America, and remember, keep watching the skies but don't watch what you eat. And liberty and justice under cheese.

Hurricane Katrina

I feel it is my duty, nay, my destiny to inform you of something that you probably don't know about. We all know that the federal government dropped the ball. We all know the states mishandled several things. And thankfully, citizens from across the country (and world) pitched in to lend a hand. But where is the parade for Cheese? If you were standing on the side of the road leading down to New Orleans, just the morning after Katrina hit you would have seen trucks full of Cheddar coming down from Wisconsin and as far away as Tillamook, Oregon. I spoke to one such cheese

Cheese is Good for the System: Now we've never met before have we?
Cheddar: Uh ... no, no. I don't think so.
CIGFTS: What has been the reaction to you so far?
C: Oh it's been wonderful. Simply divine. People keep offering me crackers, or inviting me to wine tastings. It's been a blast.
CIGFTS: Now, what has the press reaction been?
C: Well . . . there hasn't been one. And don't get me wrong, that was never the point. We came here to help, same as anybody. I mean, I lost several thousand relatives in groceries stores throughout the south, but ... that doesn't make me any different than any other cheese here. We all lost someone
CIGFTS: And you just want a little recognition?
C: Yeah ... yeah, that's what it boils down to. I mean, we are not mice, we are cheese. And we're tired of being treated like second class citizens.
CIGFTS: What can I do? Wash your car? Paint your toenails?
C: No, no ... *pause* .... no. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Get the word out that cheese is good for the system. We've been on the sandbag line all day, and we just want to go back to our hotels and relax with a beer, same as anybody else. HEY, STOP IT!!!
CIGFTS: *pauses mid-bite into his midsection* Oh ... isn't my face red?
C: Nah, it's cool, it happens all the time

There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Cheese truly is good for the system. In times of crisis or in times of peace, make sure you take your cheese, give it a firm but loving handshake or hug and tell it, "I appreciate all you've done for me"

The De Gaulle 6

Perhaps you've heard of the De Gaulle 6. Perhaps not. Regardless, I shall now tell you of the 6 mystery cheeses. Charles De Gaulle is a notably French man who lived ... in France, obviously. Born November 22, 1890 and died November 9, 1970. So he was at one point both old and French, two strikes against him. But here is a curious fact. At one point he was quoted as saying,

"How can one conceive of a one-party system in a country that has over two hundred varieties of cheese? "

Now, that may not seem strange until you consider the following quote, also attributed to Monsieur De Gaulle.

How can you govern a country with two hundred and forty six varieties of cheese?

Exhaustive research has yet to discover the source of the additional six varieties of cheese. This led to much debating, yelling and general gnashing of teeth as to the source of the Missing 6. Were they abducted by aliens, along with a small part of De Gaulle's brain? Did they move underground to a secret hiding place, near the warm center of the earth? (this seems likely, perhaps the cheese melted and slid down a hole, the heat inside the earth would keep it liquid, unable to climb back out and be saved).

It also raises another question. How the heck does a man put up such an abysmal showing as the leader of the Free French Forces during WWII and still come to be the head of the French provisional goverment from 1944-46? Well, for one he's French. That was always working in his favor. Secondly, the man knew his cheese. And cheese is good for the system. Though cheese did have a press conference after the war to distance itself from the Maginot Line. Cheese had nothing to do with that one, in fact, fingers have been pointing suspiciously at French bread for a long time, though nothing has ever been proven. (There is however a curious similarity between the Maginot line, stretching off into the distance and a fresh baguette in the always too short bag). So, I give you Charles De Gaulle, a man of the highest pedigree (for the French at least) and a man who knew his cheese. As for the missing 6 types of cheese, we here at Cheese is Good for the System will keep you updated, and vow to keep digging into this matter until we ... uh find out the ... truth on the matter ... of the number of cheeses. Then again, it is nickel beer night down at Ye Olde Time Pubbe and Cheesery so I make no promises.